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Makes 4

6 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature
8 thick (about 1½ inches) slices of soft white bread (such as pan de mie or pullman from a bakery)
12 thick (about ⅛ inch) slices of bologna
8 slices American cheese
Mayo, preferably Duke’s
Tay’s Mustard (recipe here)
2 cups lightly packed shrettuce / shredded iceberg lettuce
4 big handfuls salt and vinegar potato chips


Preheat the oven to 350 F.

Get a large well-seasoned cast-iron or nonstick skillet or griddle good and hot over medium. Swipe the butter generously on each side of the bread slices. Working in batches, cook the bread until both sides are golden brown, 1 to 2 minutes per side, then move them to rack or stand them up so they lean against each other, so they don’t get soggy.

In that same skillet, cook the bologna slices over medium-high, in batches if necessary, until nice and brown on both sides, about 2 minutes per side. As they’re done, move them to a sheet pan in slightly overlapping groups of three. When they’re all browned, top each group with two slices of the cheese and stick the pan in the oven until melty, about 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, swipe a socially unacceptable amount of mayo on four of the bread slices and swipe a similarly generous amount of mustard on the other four. Add the shrettuce to the mayo-slathered slices, then add the cheesy bologna, then add a handful of chips so big that half of them fall off.

Cover with the remaining bread slices and press down on each one with your palm, crushing the chips, so the sandwich can just fit in a normal human mouth. Eat.